GO TO SLEEP KID!

I must have lived in fantasy land for the first couple of months Victoria was born. Or maybe it wasn't fantasy land, it was sleep-deprived-I-am-only-getting-by-because-of-my-new-mom-adrenaline land. I was convinced Tori would be sleeping through the night by 6 months. I would have swore it on anything. The kid is not a bad sleeper, shes really not.. she gets up once in the middle of the night and then again at either 6-7am for the day. That still isn't as good as if she were sleeping through the night. When she was a few weeks ago and waking up every 2 or 3 hours I feel like that almost wasn't as hard on me because I never really got into a deep sleep vs now, her getting up after a solid 5 hours or so... it kills me to get out of bed. Last night when she woke up, I laid in bed and felt so, so awful as I sat there thinking "please go to sleep, please go to sleep"... I had myself so worked up I literally thought I was going to cry. I felt like I would have given my left arm to not have to get out of bed. And then it hits me.. mom guilt. Am I an awful mom that I try to savor those nights with her but then there are nights like last night where I just want her to be 2 and sleeping all night? I HATE to wish time away, and I HATE how I feel after I think to myself that I do want the time to fly by. To think of the day where Tori doesn't have that perfect infant smell, where she isn't making her silly noises as she is trying to learn how to say words, where she doesn't bury her head into my chest, where she doesn't let me carry her around in my bjorn like a baby kangaroo, that just kills me. She is everything to me, and the fact that she is 6 months old already makes me sad... and then exhausted me doesn't appreciate this time in her life. I need to remember to breathe. Before Tori was born, Dan and I both agreed that one thing we hope we would do better than our parents did was be patient, we even said we should get a tattooed permanent reminder that we need to patient, not only with our child, but ourselves and each other. I think that tattoo is looking more and more like a good idea!

Another sitch that doesn't have anything to do with sleep: The beach. Every summer for like 4 summers now, Dan and I have gotten the chance to go to the beach for free with our friends. It is always by far one of the best things about the summer. We have that opportunity again this year. Dan is planning to go for the whole weekend, and I originally was planning on just going one night. One night would mean me driving separately, me being tired when I have to get up early. Two nights would mean getting to be there the whole weekend with everyone, driving with everyone and most importantly: having Friday afternoon-Sunday afternoon with my husband, that is time together that we do not get. I feel like I should take advantage of that. My mom would be keeping Tori. I know she does a great job with Victoria, she keeps a close eye on her and loves time with her. The control freak in me doesn't want anyone else putting my child to sleep, rocking her, feeding her, because obviously no one would do it as good as I would, right? That is my recent dilemma. Decisions, decisions.