the one where I had a really bad day

Today I was a really shitty mom for my four year old.

I hate how much I screamed.
I hate that I cried (multiple times).
I hate that she was so cranky.
I hate that she made me feel like I couldn't do anything right.
I hate that she fought with me on everything.
I hate that she didn't listen to me at all.
I hate that I couldn't get out of the funk.
I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm failing her.
I hate that I truly didn't like her today.
I hate that today makes me scared of having three kids.
I hate that shes four years old and I still don't know what method of discipline works on her.
I hate that this terrible day just keeps replaying in my head.

What could I have done differently?
Did she not get enough sleep the night before?
Was I not clear enough with my expectations?
Do I let her get away with too much?
Is she too spoiled?
Am I a pushover?
Am I consistent?
Does she get enough exercise?
Is she eating well?
Am I giving her enough attention?

Today was one of the hardest days I have had with Tori in a very long time. A friend told me to remember that kids have a short memory, a bad day doesn't mean anything more than that-a bad day. I could cry right now if I tried to describe in words how badly I want to do this whole parenting gig the right way. How badly I want to do things differently than I had. How badly I hope she remembers all of the cuddles and all of the laughing. I want her to remember a Mommy that had lots of energy and that played with her at the park. A mommy who always came up with the best ideas. A mommy who made the best treats. A mommy who could keep her cool.

Today I did not keep my cool and I'm really upset and disappointed in myself.

the one with pregnancy the third time around

Third time around and I'm still experiencing some new things when it comes to this pregnancy.
First of all, I am showing MUCH faster this time around. At 16 weeks pregnant, I can still get away with wearing my normal clothes and adding a belly band but I am getting wider as much as I am sticking out further. I am in a wedding next month, the dress is a size small. About 2 months ago it still fit perfectly, fast forward to last week and I cant get it zipped up. I took it for alterations and had to have FOUR INCHES added to the rib cage area. How in the hell is my rib cage expanding? Is this normal? lol. No seriously, did anyone else experience anything like that? I have gained 10lbs already. Which I attribute to the fact that I am typically VERY on top of my weight and food/drink intake but once I am pregnant, its not that I go crazy-but I am just not strict. I was also thinner before this pregnancy (at about 115lbs soak and wet) than I ever was with my other 2 (where I was always about 120-125lbs when I found out I was pregnant).
Acne. I am breaking out like crazy. My skin is one of the most complimented features I have. I am tan year around and my skin is very smooth. I don't wear foundation. My skin tone is very even. No break outs. And now, between my back, face and neck- I'm a mess. Glamorous, I know.
Morning sickness. The first couple of weeks I had more morning sickness than I did with Tori or Ava. I wasn't puking, just sort of always feeling like I had to.
Food. Nothing weird in the food department other than I will say I miss alcohol. Which makes me turn to unsweetened iced tea and/or a soda more often than I would typically in my non pregnant days. Usually in my non pregnant days, soda is a no-no unless it is mixed in an alcoholic beverage. Hence the whole being more lax on myself when I'm pregnant.
Workouts. Same old really. I actually feel fine as far as energy goes so in the (few) nice days we have had, I have been doing ok keeping up with the girls, park dates, etc. I'm getting to the gym 3/4 times a week, still lifting, still doing some cardio.

the one with the biggest lesson to my girls

Is it weird that I was almost relieved when we found out the baby was going to be another girl? Of course after having two daughters, a son would have been nice to switch things up a bit.. and because I wanted Dan to get that experience of having a kid that is the same sex as he is. I don't know what it would change. Or if it would change anything? I just know that with me and the girls, we can get each other on a different level since we are all females.
I am a girls girl in every sense that one can be. I love powerful women. I love women who have their shit together. I love women who do it all. I love women who have careers. I love women who stay at home with their kids. I love educated women. I love women who just do what they want. And I LOVE other women who LOVE other women. Who support other women.
That is one of the biggest things I want to teach my girls. Just the overall confidence in themselves to be able to appreciate and support other women and their successes. I want my girls to look at other women who are successful and consider them INSPIRATIONAL... not competition. Thankfully my girls also have a Daddy who loves women. Who supports women. Who truly looks at women as his equal and will 100% support our girls to reach for the stars. To worry about themselves. To tell them that their lives and what they can accomplish has no limits. I know that confidence isn't just something that is taught like a class in school but I am really and truly dedicated to figuring out what it is as a Mother that I can do for my girls.
Women are always the hardest critics of each other and I just don't get it. I don't get why you cant see that a woman you know lost 5 lbs and say to them "CONGRATS! You look AMAZING!" or why you cant see a Mother bottle feeding their baby formula or breastfeeding and say "that baby is so lucky you take such good care of him/her!" Too fat. Too skinny. Too smart. Too dumb. Stay at home mom. Working mom. Women who don't want to have kids. Women who date around. Women who got married young. Women who don't want to get married.

I don't know if woman on woman judgement will ever go away, but I am going to personally try to start the change in my own house with my own girls.

the one with a new baby follow up

So for anyone who follows me on FB and/or IG, you read some big news recently..

WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!

Yep, yep, baby #3. A baby girl. 3 girls. My dream. Minus the whole 3 teenage girls part.. that part, I'm scared of. When I said that to my OB, she said "I don't think teenage girls are a problem unless they happen to have a parent that isn't a good girl parent, being a girl parent by yourself is not easy"... ding ding ding.
That totally makes perfect sense to me. And lucky for me, my Danny is the BEST girl dad, EVER. Literally. He does it all. He will brush hair, he will play, he will cuddle, he will wrestle, he will "be the daddy" when Tori wants to play house, he can handle pink and sparkly and he happens to be a man who 100% believes that women are equal to men and that our girls can do anything their little hearts desire. My girls (and me!) are so lucky to have him.
I wanted to have three kids. Dan wasn't so on board with that. "The world is meant for a family of four".. "you don't want Ava to be a middle child!".. "There will always be someone left out when we get on rides at DW"... I thought I at least had him sort of considering maybe next year when Tori would be in school full time (which realistically would make my life as a working mom easier, also).. and then SURPRISE. Just the way life always is, right when you least expect it.. a positive pregnancy test. I was thinking something was up when I was just a couple days late and Dan told me to take a test before he ran to the beer distributor to get us some weekend beer (lol) and there it was.. plus sign. It was a little faded still so just to be on the safe side I went back to the pharmacy and got another box of tests. Clear as day "pregnant" pops up on the screen. We were shocked. Can it really have happened this fast?! I had only had one cycle since breastfeeding! Some pacing around the house happened. Some tears (both happy and scared/nervous tears!). And there you have it, we are having three children.
I am due November 11th (Veterans day). So yes, for 3 weeks we will have -TWO UNDER TWO- and then -THREE KIDS AGE FOUR AND UNDER-. That is sort of terrifying me. I mean, I know we will do just fine but man that seems like a lot of kids. Hahaha. I mean, I'm still nursing Ava (that's a whole other post itself). I guess the whole idea of hey while you are alrdy not sleeping and half out of your mind, why not just throw another into the mix? I have heard 2 to 3 isn't as hard of a transition as 1 to 2 so I'm just going to roll with that...

At 14.5 weeks pregnant...