Month 2

My dearest is two months old. I feel like most people follow this with "I cant believe its been two months".  I dont feel that way. I know one day I will look back and say wow this time has flown by, but today, the past two months feels exactly like two months to me. 

My body is still adjusting to life after giving birth, my mind is still adjusting to this new thing called motherhood, my brain is still adjusting to no sleep and my heart is still adjusting to this feeling of love I didnt know existed. 

It is overwhelming loving someone so much. She makes my everyday so much better. She is beautiful, sweet, funny, charming... yes, already at two months old I can see these traits just shining through her beautiful smile and eyes. 

Today was Victoria's 2 month check up. She is doing fabulous. I love hearing the doctor tell me how amazing and healthy she is. Her stats: weight: 11lbs 1oz height: 22 3/4 inches  

Dan and I knew she would be at least 11lbs, the little porker is getting heavy!!! and so is her car seat lol. 

The worst part of the appointment was my girl getting her shots. She took them like a trooper though, cried for a couple seconds and then forgot all about them a minute later. Mommy was upset and shed a few tears.. and Tori barely noticed, go figure lol. The nurse said to me "hold her hand and talk to her so she knows everything is going to be ok".. I feel like that moment hit me like wow, I am her mom... I make everything better for her. I am her comfort, I am her love, I am how she knows everything is going to be alright.

 

I love being a mother. I love being Victoria's mother.

Happy two months baby girl

 

 

Over it

I couldn't come up with a more fitting title... really. Over it. SO, SO, SO over it. Over what you may ask?.. breastfeeding. It has officially taken its toll.
In 2 months of breastfeeding I have now officially had mastitis twice and a pump break on me. I have cried, cried and cried some more over breastfeeding.. one too many times for my sanity.
So this is it, the final straw came with a 2am lump, a ton of pain and a trip to triage (again) at 5am.
I am on an antibiotic now and am going to continue pumping until that is up as recommended by my midwife and then I am officially starting the weaning process. I don't know any rules or 'how to's' for this other than to start stretching out my pumping sessions more and more until they diminish.
I am very grateful I was able to give my daughter breastmilk for the two first months of her life and I have been able to freeze a decent amount of milk so I will be able to get 1-2 months of supplementing before having to go fully on formula.
Mom guilt SUCKS. I feel awful about stopping but I definitely cannot keep putting my body through this month after month. It is so hard, so exhausting and just straight up painful.

A big thank you to everyone who has been so supportive.

Dear Friend

Since Victoria was born I can see my relationships around me changing. Not necessarily for the bad, but definitely changing. The most recent has been in friendship, this is in no way towards any one particular person but sort of to all of the friends out there who have friends that have had children. If I could send them all a message on behalf of moms.. this is what it would say:

Friend,
I still need you. I appreciate how supportive you were of my pregnancy but I need you to be here for me during this chapter of motherhood also. My child brings me a new appreciation for life and if anything, makes me love you more too. I am still me. My sense of humor hasn't changed at all. The same things still make me laugh. The same things make me happy. I still love spending time with you. I still need time to myself. I still need time with you. I appreciate the little things even more than ever now. I appreciate the texts, the phone calls, the last minute invites. I may not be able to party until all hours of the night, or maybe I will be napping when you call and have to get back to you at a later time.. but I will remember who it was that reached out to me during this new phase in my life. I will remember it was you who made it a point to swing by even if it was just for an hour or two. I will remember it was you who invited me to do baby friendly things. I will remember it was you who even though you may not fully understand motherhood and the changes I have made since becoming a mom as you are not a parent yet yourself, you still tried to get it. I will also remember these things and how they made me feel when it is your turn to become a parent.

 

 

Worry, Worry, Worry

I love all things Mommy. I LOVE that Victoria recognizes me, I love that I can make her laugh so easily, I love cuddling her, I love watching my husband be a father to her, I love seeing our family and friends dote on her, I love loving her. 

I don't love how scared I constantly am. I don't love the constant feeling of worry. I have always been a worrier. I have always gotten scared of life when things seem to be going just right. I am one of those horribly pessimistic people who instantly gets overwhelmed with the feeling that when things are good, something is bound to go bad. I over think everything. I worry about things I cannot control.I dont know where I got this from, my parents and siblings are not like this at all. Especially my parents, they are very go with the flow and never over worry about anything.
I am trying to remind myself that now that I am a mother, the worrying will never stop. Sids, choking, pertussis, hitting her head, kidnapping, bullying, a broken heart, driving, college, drinking... the worry is literally never going to end... and it freaks me out. I literally look up the statistics on Sids almost every night and somehow try to convince myself why this wont happen to my child and that she will be ok.. and that I will never lose her. I repeatedly ask Dan to tell me that we will die before she does. I ask him to remind me the odds of sids happening arent high. I am sure I am driving him nuts. Oh geeze, I am tearing up typing this. I am scared of how much I love her. Like depths of my soul scared.
When it comes to the worry and being scared, this is the time I most wish that I had a more substantial religion and relationship with God. I believe in him but I do not practice. I have yet to find any religion that I fully believe in or that I have felt fully comfortable with. My life growing up in the Catholic religion has made me question too many things. Our family has gone through bad, bad times. We have lost loved ones too soon, I have watched my mom battle cancer, I have watched relationships crumble, all things that have made me wonder why bad things happen to good people and question why this is allowed to happen.
I dont know if I have ever really thought of the big picture but I think my mom getting cancer and my cousin Pete dieing have affected me in many ways that I have never realized. When my mom was diagnosed, I took a year off of school to take her to her chemo and radiation treatments(she doesnt have a drivers license). Seeing her everyday go through this struggle was so hard. I would cry to my dad and he would always remind me that if I thought this was scary, imagine how my mom felt. I watched her cry because she couldnt stop vomiting. I watched her drop down to 125 pounds. I watched my sisters face the moment we told her my mom was sick. When my cousin Pete died, we went to his parents house and I sat there with his sister Rosa and I remember just holding her crying. I remember giving his sister Sara's kids their baths because she was inconsolable. I remember my Aunt telling me that at his funeral my dad just crumbled over his casket and burst into tears. My dad doesnt cry. Both of these events have made me have this constant feeling of what is going to happen next? I dont know how to control it. 

Dan reminds me that this can also be the beauty of life, the unknown. He reminds me that you cannot stress over the things you cannot control... and that because you cant control them you have to appreciate your life that much more everyday.

This is easier said than done. But I am trying. I am trying to savor every second with my child, with my family, my friends...trying to keep my cool and stay calm...I am really, really trying.

Mastitis-1 Me-0

WORST PAIN EVER!

Last night made me wonder if there is some sort of breast feeding spirit who was not satisfied with just how difficult breastfeeding already had been for me and decided she needed to take it up a notch.

I love being able to give my baby girl breastmilk, I know it is healthy and amazing for her. I just dont know how much more I can put my body through.

Relaxing today. Do not disturb.

Peace

Victoria has changed my life in so many ways. When I look at my life since she has been in it, everyday has been so special. I find myself trying to savor every second. Every kiss, hug, facial expression, nap, diaper, bath, tummy time.. everything. I don't want to forget any second that I spend with her. I have changed. A lot. Like legit changed. She brings a peace to my mind and heart.. one that used to be filled with anxiety, a need for everyone to like me, a need to always be the center of attention, a need to be in charge, a need to make excuses, a need to never explain myself and a need to put my feelings first. She makes me want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better daughter. I get tears in my eyes just thinking of how much I love her. I cant help but be the most proud mother in the world.
I have found I really don't care about the same things that I used to. I don't want to be out running around all hours of the night, drinking and going crazy. Don't get me wrong, I am young and still want to be me. I still want to do things that I enjoy.. I just feel like I enjoy them differently now. Its like I enjoy them because I am genuinely enjoying life. I want to surround myself with people who make me happy and add positivity to my life. I want to go to the gym because it makes me feel good about myself. I want to spend time outside because I want to appreciate beautiful days and fresh air. I want to spend time with my friends because I love their personalities and we laugh until we cry when we are together. I want to spend time with my mom because I want her to know I appreciate what she has done for me. I want to play with my dogs because they have never judged me. I want to kiss my husband everyday because he shares the best part of my life with me.

I feel like I am in a dream lately. Life is so, so good.

 

 

 

 

Isabella Lee

Today is my niece's 2nd birthday. At her first birthday party, I cried. With her second birthday here, I cried. She is one of the absolute loves of my life. I feel like the past two years has flown by so, so fast. At her first birthday I was just so happy to have spent the past year with her and I cried more so out of the fact that it went so fast and how fast she had grown. Today, I cry because I am so overjoyed with the little person she is turning into. She is SO happy, she is SO sweet and she is  SO hilarious! She makes everything that much better because she is a part of it. The older she gets, the more fun it is with her recognizing me. On Easter Sunday when I saw her, I walked into my parents back room and said "Hello Izzy! Happy Easter!" and went over to her, she yelled "hi Zia!" and wrapped her little arms around my neck. We played Easter egg hunt over and over together and she was hilarious. I would tell her to go to the kitchen so she wouldn't see where I was hiding the eggs and she would stand by the door and cheat. She was closing one eye and looking through the other and then she would cover both eyes but peek through her little fingers. Being her Aunt is one of my favorite things about my life. I have officially lost any memory of my life without her in it and I am totally ok with that. My life got that much more sweet and fulfilled the day she was born. Isabella Lee, you are a huge piece of my heart that will always be especially for you. I love you more than I can possibly put into words. Thank you for being you.