the one where I get real about my bad day

This is not a cry for help I swear. Its a real post. Its a mom-life-is-hard-and-draining-and-some-days-I-want-to-run-away-from-home sort of post. Why share? Because motherhood isn't always rainbows and butterflies people, and why would I have a blog if I wasn't going to be real? I have unsubscribed to a bunch of mom blogs who share only the dreamy stuff. The stuff where they are playing in a field picking flowers with their perfectly behaved children. Where their hair is in a perfect updo, they are wearing a beautiful floor length sun dress and they have their makeup on, fresh and dewey. ITS NOT HOW IT REALLY IS PEOPLE.
Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is amazing. There is a love that comes with being a mom that you do NOT understand until you are a mother. You might start getting an idea of that love when you're pregnant, but it doesn't take over your soul the way the love does when you are holding that precious baby. And then, fast forward to two years.. and there are tears. Not so much toddler tears, there are mommy tears. I cried today. A couple of different times. I have heard "boys are so much easier to raise than gitls" more times than I can count. I don't know what makes that true.. or if its true.. and as of right now I wont be finding out but my girl, shes hard. Today she hit me more times than I can count, she scratched my face and broke skin, she kicked me. She stepped on my toes enough times that I didn't want to take my shoes off in the house, she pulled my hair because she was "trying to braid it". She refused to sit in the booth at lunch, she climbed, she screamed, she emptied everything onto the table that she could (servers love us).. she refused to eat.. (and then told me in the car that she was "so hungry"). She wouldn't sit at her table for dinner, she wouldn't sit at our table for dinner, she wouldn't sit in her high chair for dinner. Pretty much, anything she could possibly be doing, she didn't want to do. She fought tooth and nail to not give into anything I said today.. and I don't know why? I don't know why these battles happen. I don't know why time out doesn't seem to phase her. I don't know why she will be so tired she can barely keep her eyes open but she will just fight the nap as if it just the worst idea shes ever heard. All of this drama and fighting happened over a few hours timespan. It is draining. I thought to myself multiple times that I wished I wasn't home. I was envious of those who don't have children and were shopping, or getting dinner with friends, napping or doing anything else in the world than what I was doing right then. Am I horrible for saying that? I really wanted to not be there today. I really wanted to not be around my child.
The hardest part of days like today are not even the hitting or anything physical. Its the amount of questioning I do to myself as a parent. What am I doing wrong? What should I change? Am I a bad mom? Does anyone else have to deal with this stuff like I do? Why cant I keep my house clean? Why are there always so many dishes? Why is there never food in our house? Why have I not put makeup on in 4 days?
Fast forward to bedtime.. and I am rocking this little tyrant of mine to sleep.
Mommy: "Did you have a fun day today?"
Tori: "Yes, I play with Mommy and Daddy"
Mommy: "Why don't you listen to Mommy, Tor? Mommy loves you and tries very hard to take good care of you. No more hitting Mommy, ok Tori?"
Tori: "Ok Mommy, love you".

I love you too baby girl, even on our worst day together, I hope you always remember I love you. I am proud of you. I am your number one fan. You are the love of my life.