I don't love how scared I constantly am. I don't love the constant feeling of worry. I have always been a worrier. I have always gotten scared of life when things seem to be going just right. I am one of those horribly pessimistic people who instantly gets overwhelmed with the feeling that when things are good, something is bound to go bad. I over think everything. I worry about things I cannot control.I dont know where I got this from, my parents and siblings are not like this at all. Especially my parents, they are very go with the flow and never over worry about anything.
I am trying to remind myself that now that I am a mother, the worrying will never stop. Sids, choking, pertussis, hitting her head, kidnapping, bullying, a broken heart, driving, college, drinking... the worry is literally never going to end... and it freaks me out. I literally look up the statistics on Sids almost every night and somehow try to convince myself why this wont happen to my child and that she will be ok.. and that I will never lose her. I repeatedly ask Dan to tell me that we will die before she does. I ask him to remind me the odds of sids happening arent high. I am sure I am driving him nuts. Oh geeze, I am tearing up typing this. I am scared of how much I love her. Like depths of my soul scared.
When it comes to the worry and being scared, this is the time I most wish that I had a more substantial religion and relationship with God. I believe in him but I do not practice. I have yet to find any religion that I fully believe in or that I have felt fully comfortable with. My life growing up in the Catholic religion has made me question too many things. Our family has gone through bad, bad times. We have lost loved ones too soon, I have watched my mom battle cancer, I have watched relationships crumble, all things that have made me wonder why bad things happen to good people and question why this is allowed to happen.
I dont know if I have ever really thought of the big picture but I think my mom getting cancer and my cousin Pete dieing have affected me in many ways that I have never realized. When my mom was diagnosed, I took a year off of school to take her to her chemo and radiation treatments(she doesnt have a drivers license). Seeing her everyday go through this struggle was so hard. I would cry to my dad and he would always remind me that if I thought this was scary, imagine how my mom felt. I watched her cry because she couldnt stop vomiting. I watched her drop down to 125 pounds. I watched my sisters face the moment we told her my mom was sick. When my cousin Pete died, we went to his parents house and I sat there with his sister Rosa and I remember just holding her crying. I remember giving his sister Sara's kids their baths because she was inconsolable. I remember my Aunt telling me that at his funeral my dad just crumbled over his casket and burst into tears. My dad doesnt cry. Both of these events have made me have this constant feeling of what is going to happen next? I dont know how to control it.
Dan reminds me that this can also be the beauty of life, the unknown. He reminds me that you cannot stress over the things you cannot control... and that because you cant control them you have to appreciate your life that much more everyday.
This is easier said than done. But I am trying. I am trying to savor every second with my child, with my family, my friends...trying to keep my cool and stay calm...I am really, really trying.
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