The secret society.

I have been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to post this (and have had it written for days) but decided to move forward... so here it is:
I had a miscarriage. Ugh. I hate that I just had to write that sentence but I am not going to mom-shame and pretend it didn't happen. Did you know that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage? I knew it was common, but I have always thought it was weird just how common it is because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. I get that its not an easy thing to talk about(hello, I have been on and off crying for days over this) but it sucks to feel lonely and I personally am the type who needs to talk about things to feel better. It sucks to feel like no one gets it. It sucks that it seems as though so many women are embarrassed about it. I know a TON of people who have had miscarriages, but I cant talk to them about it because guess what?! Im not supposed to know they had a miscarriage. Someone tells a friend, a family member, a coworker, and it sort of goes down the line and that has especially happened once I revealed that I have had a miscarriage. "It will be ok Ang, my cousin-sister-roommate-neighbor's nephew's girlfriend had a miscarriage and has had perfectly healthy pregnancies too, so you will have a healthy baby again".
The background:
I found out I was pregnant the same day we were in Urgent Care with Tori for pneumonia. Dan and I literally laughed when I had the positive test. Mostly because we just couldn't believe the sort of emotions that came with the day. Terrified that our baby was so sick, elated that our hopes in making her a big sister were coming true. In awe that we are so lucky that pregnancy happens so quickly and easily for us.
We were already dreaming of this baby and what it was going to mean to be a family of four. He was due May 31st. He was going to be really easygoing, yes... he. We just knew already that he was going to be a boy. The pregnancy was different this time around, I had morning sickness and was showing sooner... so that all meant it was a boy. Plus, Tori is our Princess and we couldn't imagine her ever having any sort of competition in any way. She would always be our princess and we would add our prince to the bunch and our little family would be complete.
A couple of weeks had passed and I decided I wanted to use a different OB this time around because the place I used with Tori was HUGE and they had lost urine tests etc and I felt like maybe a smaller place this time around would be better. I scheduled my first appointment (expecting an ultrasound because that is what the first place did).. and the nurse told me they would not do any ultrasounds until week 18. Oh, also... they didn't do any ultrasounds or blood work in house, they ordered them and you had to go to another place to get them done. None of this sat well with me. Being that some of my appointments would be during the day, that would mean carting my toddler in and out in the middle of winter to different places and I would rather have had a one-stop-shop. I came home from my appointment and could not stop thinking about the no ultrasound until 18 weeks thing. It bothered me so much. I told Dan I hated that idea, he told me its fine... It was on my mind when I went to sleep that night and I pretty much tossed and turned all night long until about 4 am when I woke up for the day and had decided at 8am I would call the OB place, tell them I wasnt going to go there anymore and then call my original OB place and schedule my appointment with them. 7am hits and I have spotting. Panic mode. I did not experience that at all whatsoever with my first pregnancy. I call my original OB at 8am... explain everything to them and they get me into the place within an hour to get an ultrasound and check things out. Dan didn't have to be at work until noon so he was able to stay home with Tori while I went.
I go into the ultrasound room, change.. and before the nurse comes in, I say a quick prayer "please make my baby ok"... I am not religious(although raised Catholic). I pray when I get scared. Im not sure thats right but its what I do. Nurse comes in and says I am ("I am" meaning my uterus) measuring at 9 weeks but the baby is only measuring at 6 and there is no heartbeat. "Im sorry" she says... she looked at me with very sympathetic eyes and follows with "take a minute, get dressed and the doctor will talk to you about it in the other room". I cry by myself and am shaking and am nervous and feel weird and just feel a lot of different things at once. I keep thinking how strange it is that I couldnt shake the whole not getting an ultrasound thing and how it had even woken me in the middle of the night... almost like I knew something was wrong. My doctor was amazing. She too had just suffered a miscarriage a few months before and she got really emotional with me talking about it and then there we were, two adult women, sitting in a doctors office and blubbering about how much you can love something you only had for a few weeks. It is such a strange thing to love someone you don't know. To be so excited for something that you only had for such a short time.
So next week comes surgery. Being sad and disappointed comes and goes. I had a friend announce his wife's second pregnancy on fbook the other day and lost it. Do not get me wrong, I am SO happy for them... their little one is due June 4th (5 days After my #2 was due)... but it stung. They are getting their June baby, I am not getting mine.
I keep Victoria in the front of my mind as I know some people don't even get to experience one perfectly healthy child.. and she is mine, she is my miracle and I am very grateful to have her. I know there are people out there who will say "at least it happened at 9 weeks and not 9 months".. or "at least you can get pregnant"... "at least you have one healthy child".. and I get it, I really do, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Being a mother, a wife, this is what my life is about. I have to keep trust in my body, that it knows what is best for me and also keep faith that being a mother is what I am made for and that we will get another perfect, healthy baby when the time is right.