I hate how much I screamed.
I hate that I cried (multiple times).
I hate that she was so cranky.
I hate that she made me feel like I couldn't do anything right.
I hate that she fought with me on everything.
I hate that she didn't listen to me at all.
I hate that I couldn't get out of the funk.
I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm failing her.
I hate that I truly didn't like her today.
I hate that today makes me scared of having three kids.
I hate that shes four years old and I still don't know what method of discipline works on her.
I hate that this terrible day just keeps replaying in my head.
What could I have done differently?
Did she not get enough sleep the night before?
Was I not clear enough with my expectations?
Do I let her get away with too much?
Is she too spoiled?
Am I a pushover?
Am I consistent?
Does she get enough exercise?
Is she eating well?
Am I giving her enough attention?
Today was one of the hardest days I have had with Tori in a very long time. A friend told me to remember that kids have a short memory, a bad day doesn't mean anything more than that-a bad day. I could cry right now if I tried to describe in words how badly I want to do this whole parenting gig the right way. How badly I want to do things differently than I had. How badly I hope she remembers all of the cuddles and all of the laughing. I want her to remember a Mommy that had lots of energy and that played with her at the park. A mommy who always came up with the best ideas. A mommy who made the best treats. A mommy who could keep her cool.
Today I did not keep my cool and I'm really upset and disappointed in myself.
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