the one where I reflect on my 30th birthday

Dear lordy, I can hardly believe I am 30 today. I was just 17, parked in a Sheetz parking lot, blaring my music with all of my friends stuffed in my car, waiting to see whose parents were out of town so we could go hang (haha sorry Mom and Dad). And now, here I am, 30 years old. Married with 2 kids and one on the way.

I'm not feeling weird, sad or nervous at all about my 30's. My 20's were such a decade of transition. I spent the first 5 years of my 20's trying to figure out who I was. Such a mess Ill tell ya. Lots of mistakes. Lots of confusion. Lots of putting Dan through the ringer.  Lots of putting my parents through the ringer. Lots of trying to adjust to the next phase. Even when Dan and I got married, I spent the first year trying to figure out how to be a wife and newlywed without losing myself, my identity, without changing too much of what made me comfortable. Then I had Tori, and the next adjustment was to a new mom. I didn't have many friends who had kids. No one understood. I loved this baby more than anything on the planet but she changed everything. Then the transition into not caring that no one else "got it" started. The learning to stand on my own two feet. The learning how to not care if I was left out of something. The learning to not care that maybe I just wasn't going to be THAT close with every single person that I was close with before. People change. I was allowed to change. Especially if the change made me happier. Learning to accept that if someone truly loved and cared for me, they would accept my change and not judge me. I could still be a good friend, I could still be fun, I could still be so much of what made me "me".

The second half of my 20's has been adjusting into my career, my two kids, my husband and preparing to close a chapter that baby #3 is helping close (pregnancy and newborn chapter). I love my job. I love the flexibility. I know I say that all of the time, but in my late 20's it felt good to be able to say I liked what I did for a living. And that I was good at it. And that I didn't have to put my kids on the back burner to be successful in my career. And juggling motherhood and working full time has been one of my biggest successes. It is not easy, at all. Literally not one day goes by that I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off but I have learned to embrace it. The second half of my 20's has brought Dan and I really getting into the swing of things in our partnership. 6 years married this July and I feel more confident in us than ever before. We are truly the best of friends and I find so much comfort and support in him. My late 20's brought a new found appreciation for him, a lot of that being as I watched him become a Daddy to our kids, but man, I am really lucky. I have a guy that does it all.

Enter 30. Today I am a successful realtor. Today I have two kids and one on the way and am feeling really confident in adding another one to our brood. I work really hard to be a good Mother and a good Wife. I am surrounded by people who love me and our family. I feel supported. I feel understood. I feel confident. I feel like this decade is really going to rock my world. Bring on 30's!!!!!

the one with Ava's 18 month check up

Two weeks ago our sweet Ava girl turned a year and a half old! As every mom says (I know, I know, we are broken records) time flies! It seems like ever since she turned one- I cant catch up with her. Girlfriend is doing awesome.

At her 18 month check up, they did all of the typical stuff (including 3 shots my poor girl) and asked lots and lots of questions. Ava is in the 45th % for weight, the 85th % for height and her head... well, neither of my girls have had heads measuring less than the 95th % LOL. Whatever, they grow into them haha.

Ava is saying SO many words: Momma, Dadda, dog, ball, bath, hot, book, bubbles, 'that' and her new word as of today (literally) is Izzy. It is so cute! I am still trying to figure out what she is going to end up saying for Tori, we call Tori by her name and by 'sister' so I wont be surprised at all if she starts referring to her as 'sister' rather than her name.

Ava is into EVERYTHING. You cannot turn your back on her for a second. Tonight for example.. she has learned how to push the little chairs from the small table (which Tor started doing around 3 but obviously little sister has learned it quicker).. so she moved the chair to the counter while I was getting dinner together. Butter, knives, grapes, all the good stuff just sitting there waiting for her to grab. I get it all away.. realize I forgot my water bottle in the car (I had my parents on face time during this).. ran outside for maybe 30 seconds?.. come back in, and there is Ava, with the chair pushed to the other side of the counters... sitting on the floor with three tomatoes, smashing them and making her very own pasta sauce. She thought it was hilarious. She is so quick!! My parents got a kick out of that one. I wonder if she can already start having middle child syndrome if the baby isn't here yet? Because if so, I think shes there and I think its coming in the form of wild child. She is going to be my crazy one for sure.

Her hair is more blond than ever and she has these beautiful blue eyes. Those two things combined with the sweetest porcelain colored skin and pink lips- she is a real life doll baby. One that doesn't look a thing like her Momma. As she is getting older, I am starting to see more of Tori in some of the faces she makes and just like since she was born, I see Dan in her everyday. I see it the most in her eyes. Especially when she laughs.

She is a clown. Always wanting to make everyone laugh. Always wanting your attention. She has started doing this strange dance where she moves her arms all around in circles and turns them, etc and we are pretty sure its her dancing but you cant help but laugh whenever she does it.

Her top two teeth have finally broke through! She now has about 3.5 teeth lol. I hate teething so bad. The poor girl can be so moody and I just keep reminding myself about whats happening in her little mouth and how she doesn't understand it. I feel bad for the little lady.

Shes walking!!! Legit walking! Like choosing to walk to get where she wants to go! It is that adorable little drunk person walk where she is waddling around and using her arms to balance. It is adorable. Tori loves it too. She can gain some speed now and the girls will do a little chasing around the living room.

She loves to read! Every night before bed and every nap before we put her in her crib we have to read her one or two books. She even has some favorites. It is so cute. I have her and Tori doing the library summer reading program so we will have a lot of fun picking out books over the summer.

Shes nursing once a day now. The whole "she will wean now that youre pregnant" didn't happen haha. Every single morning girlfriend wants her milkies and I don't mind it at all. I am still not interested in nursing two kids at once so I am hoping she will at least wean before then but I guess we will see!

She is the greatest blessing. She brings a spark to our lives that we didn't know was missing. Tori always says she reminds her of the sun. Our little wild cat.

the one where I had a really bad day

Today I was a really shitty mom for my four year old.

I hate how much I screamed.
I hate that I cried (multiple times).
I hate that she was so cranky.
I hate that she made me feel like I couldn't do anything right.
I hate that she fought with me on everything.
I hate that she didn't listen to me at all.
I hate that I couldn't get out of the funk.
I hate that sometimes I feel like I'm failing her.
I hate that I truly didn't like her today.
I hate that today makes me scared of having three kids.
I hate that shes four years old and I still don't know what method of discipline works on her.
I hate that this terrible day just keeps replaying in my head.

What could I have done differently?
Did she not get enough sleep the night before?
Was I not clear enough with my expectations?
Do I let her get away with too much?
Is she too spoiled?
Am I a pushover?
Am I consistent?
Does she get enough exercise?
Is she eating well?
Am I giving her enough attention?

Today was one of the hardest days I have had with Tori in a very long time. A friend told me to remember that kids have a short memory, a bad day doesn't mean anything more than that-a bad day. I could cry right now if I tried to describe in words how badly I want to do this whole parenting gig the right way. How badly I want to do things differently than I had. How badly I hope she remembers all of the cuddles and all of the laughing. I want her to remember a Mommy that had lots of energy and that played with her at the park. A mommy who always came up with the best ideas. A mommy who made the best treats. A mommy who could keep her cool.

Today I did not keep my cool and I'm really upset and disappointed in myself.

the one with pregnancy the third time around

Third time around and I'm still experiencing some new things when it comes to this pregnancy.
First of all, I am showing MUCH faster this time around. At 16 weeks pregnant, I can still get away with wearing my normal clothes and adding a belly band but I am getting wider as much as I am sticking out further. I am in a wedding next month, the dress is a size small. About 2 months ago it still fit perfectly, fast forward to last week and I cant get it zipped up. I took it for alterations and had to have FOUR INCHES added to the rib cage area. How in the hell is my rib cage expanding? Is this normal? lol. No seriously, did anyone else experience anything like that? I have gained 10lbs already. Which I attribute to the fact that I am typically VERY on top of my weight and food/drink intake but once I am pregnant, its not that I go crazy-but I am just not strict. I was also thinner before this pregnancy (at about 115lbs soak and wet) than I ever was with my other 2 (where I was always about 120-125lbs when I found out I was pregnant).
Acne. I am breaking out like crazy. My skin is one of the most complimented features I have. I am tan year around and my skin is very smooth. I don't wear foundation. My skin tone is very even. No break outs. And now, between my back, face and neck- I'm a mess. Glamorous, I know.
Morning sickness. The first couple of weeks I had more morning sickness than I did with Tori or Ava. I wasn't puking, just sort of always feeling like I had to.
Food. Nothing weird in the food department other than I will say I miss alcohol. Which makes me turn to unsweetened iced tea and/or a soda more often than I would typically in my non pregnant days. Usually in my non pregnant days, soda is a no-no unless it is mixed in an alcoholic beverage. Hence the whole being more lax on myself when I'm pregnant.
Workouts. Same old really. I actually feel fine as far as energy goes so in the (few) nice days we have had, I have been doing ok keeping up with the girls, park dates, etc. I'm getting to the gym 3/4 times a week, still lifting, still doing some cardio.

the one with the biggest lesson to my girls

Is it weird that I was almost relieved when we found out the baby was going to be another girl? Of course after having two daughters, a son would have been nice to switch things up a bit.. and because I wanted Dan to get that experience of having a kid that is the same sex as he is. I don't know what it would change. Or if it would change anything? I just know that with me and the girls, we can get each other on a different level since we are all females.
I am a girls girl in every sense that one can be. I love powerful women. I love women who have their shit together. I love women who do it all. I love women who have careers. I love women who stay at home with their kids. I love educated women. I love women who just do what they want. And I LOVE other women who LOVE other women. Who support other women.
That is one of the biggest things I want to teach my girls. Just the overall confidence in themselves to be able to appreciate and support other women and their successes. I want my girls to look at other women who are successful and consider them INSPIRATIONAL... not competition. Thankfully my girls also have a Daddy who loves women. Who supports women. Who truly looks at women as his equal and will 100% support our girls to reach for the stars. To worry about themselves. To tell them that their lives and what they can accomplish has no limits. I know that confidence isn't just something that is taught like a class in school but I am really and truly dedicated to figuring out what it is as a Mother that I can do for my girls.
Women are always the hardest critics of each other and I just don't get it. I don't get why you cant see that a woman you know lost 5 lbs and say to them "CONGRATS! You look AMAZING!" or why you cant see a Mother bottle feeding their baby formula or breastfeeding and say "that baby is so lucky you take such good care of him/her!" Too fat. Too skinny. Too smart. Too dumb. Stay at home mom. Working mom. Women who don't want to have kids. Women who date around. Women who got married young. Women who don't want to get married.

I don't know if woman on woman judgement will ever go away, but I am going to personally try to start the change in my own house with my own girls.

the one with a new baby follow up

So for anyone who follows me on FB and/or IG, you read some big news recently..

WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER BABY!

Yep, yep, baby #3. A baby girl. 3 girls. My dream. Minus the whole 3 teenage girls part.. that part, I'm scared of. When I said that to my OB, she said "I don't think teenage girls are a problem unless they happen to have a parent that isn't a good girl parent, being a girl parent by yourself is not easy"... ding ding ding.
That totally makes perfect sense to me. And lucky for me, my Danny is the BEST girl dad, EVER. Literally. He does it all. He will brush hair, he will play, he will cuddle, he will wrestle, he will "be the daddy" when Tori wants to play house, he can handle pink and sparkly and he happens to be a man who 100% believes that women are equal to men and that our girls can do anything their little hearts desire. My girls (and me!) are so lucky to have him.
I wanted to have three kids. Dan wasn't so on board with that. "The world is meant for a family of four".. "you don't want Ava to be a middle child!".. "There will always be someone left out when we get on rides at DW"... I thought I at least had him sort of considering maybe next year when Tori would be in school full time (which realistically would make my life as a working mom easier, also).. and then SURPRISE. Just the way life always is, right when you least expect it.. a positive pregnancy test. I was thinking something was up when I was just a couple days late and Dan told me to take a test before he ran to the beer distributor to get us some weekend beer (lol) and there it was.. plus sign. It was a little faded still so just to be on the safe side I went back to the pharmacy and got another box of tests. Clear as day "pregnant" pops up on the screen. We were shocked. Can it really have happened this fast?! I had only had one cycle since breastfeeding! Some pacing around the house happened. Some tears (both happy and scared/nervous tears!). And there you have it, we are having three children.
I am due November 11th (Veterans day). So yes, for 3 weeks we will have -TWO UNDER TWO- and then -THREE KIDS AGE FOUR AND UNDER-. That is sort of terrifying me. I mean, I know we will do just fine but man that seems like a lot of kids. Hahaha. I mean, I'm still nursing Ava (that's a whole other post itself). I guess the whole idea of hey while you are alrdy not sleeping and half out of your mind, why not just throw another into the mix? I have heard 2 to 3 isn't as hard of a transition as 1 to 2 so I'm just going to roll with that...

At 14.5 weeks pregnant...

the one with an April life update

I cant keep up around here lately. AH!
I think to myself "I should update my blog" at least a couple times a week and then I think to myself.. or I could get caught up with my paperwork, or do laundry, or vacuum, or one of the other 101 things I could be getting done. And they win. Pretty much every time.

Around these parts...

-Tori is fast and furious into the last two months of school. I am not sure when her actual last day is and that's mostly because I don't want to admit its almost over haha. She loves it there, loves her friends, and it sounds like a lot of them will be there next year too so that's exciting. Next year she will be there three days a week, 9:30-2:30 and although Ill miss her, I'm thinking the longer day will be great prep for the all day kindergarten program that our school district offers. Ill cry about the whole all day kindergarten thing later.
-Ava currently is battling an ear infection, a cough and a runny nose. Oh this is all the while (or maybe because of?) shes teething. Our little 16 month old still only has two teeth so I am convinced she will wake up one day soon with a full mouth because man, shes grumpy. Poor babe.
-2 months until our week long vacation to OBX! I am soooo excited! A whole week of my little fam, the ocean, our own private beach/pool/hot tub, a movie theatre/game room.. granted there will be like, 14 kids there (ages 5 and under) so relaxing is probably not going to be a part of this trip but itll be fun nonetheless. We didn't do family vacations when I was a kid (I think maybe two my whole life?) so I am just so excited to have this experience with our little family.
-I am turning 30 in June and currently trying to come up with something fun to do that isn't just a bar night. Ideas, anyone?
-This month has been insane with work. 2 settlements, lots of clients under contract. No complaints here. A lot of work has been in York recently so the only issue is it takes up more of my day when I include the travel.
-Dan is doing well. We had a date night out to the Federal taphouse last weekend where we were surprised by a friend who took care of our entire check. I think the best part of that was the timing. We needed a date night, just the two of us so badly. And then to have it topped off with that, just awesome. Every time we have a date night we always wonder why we don't do it more often. We laugh so much. He is my best friend. :)
-I'm in a neighborhood moms group on fb and have been having some fun with it. Tori is one of the older kids, most of the parents around here have kids Avas age or younger. There have been pizza nights, moms night out nights, playdates, etc. It has been fun getting to know the other parents in the neighborhood.
-My niece Sam is visiting PA this week. We have been to my parents house in York almost everyday so we can spend time with her and my sister. We have went to the circus, got the cousins pictures taken together, etc. It has been fun. These visits go fast and are few and far between.
-Dan, me and my parents are going to New York on Sunday which should be a lot of fun. We are going to check out the wax museum/touristy places and eat. A lot.
-I have been dreaming of a fenced in yard for this summer. Tori plus a (probably) walking by the summer Ava means lots of chasing kids and trying to keep them in our yard. We got a quote for a fence last year and it was reasonable so I think we are going to follow up with them and make a decision. Sometimes I hate spending money on things on the outside of the house because there is still a bunch I want to do inside but seriously.. to not have to worry about the girls leaving the yard this summer.. that would be awesome.
-While on the topic of our yard-we are going to try a small garden this year. Raised beds. Tomatoes..  a couple other easier things. I actually kill everything so this will be more of a Dan project.
-RHONY just started and well.. I'm obsessed. Hi Bethenney. Hi Ramona. Hi Dorinda.
-Ava CAN GO TO SLEEP WITHOUT NURSING and hardly cries!!!! This is HUGE PEOPLE!

Anywho- that's all I have for now! Have a wonderfully blessed rainy Thursday!